It’s no secret that the language learning community is awesome and welcoming. I’ve been here for almost five months now and I’ve seen so much positivity, everyone is so nice and encouraging! And when I first created my twitter account, I had two things in mind: I would not curse, and I would be positive!
Simple goals, right? I do curse often, but it’s not a big deal to edit my tweets to erase the F word. And on my day to day life I like to think that I put in some effort into being positive.
Well, truth to be told, I haven’t been feeling that positive lately.
It’s a daily thing to see people claiming that language learning is not a race. We are all here to have fun, to savor all the small steps we take to become fluent in a language – or in a multiplicity of them. I do believe that! I know I don’t want to be fluent instantly – I DO enjoy the process, the small victories. I’ve been studying Japanese and French for 140 days and I’ve done so much progress! I’ve been very vocal about the happy moments in which I understood something I didn’t understand before or the excitement because of “oh my God, I’m so eager to learn more!”. I’ve made progress, I know so many things I didn’t know before and I’m so comfortable with both French and Japanese.
HOWEVER, as this excitement happens, I am also drowning in self-doubt.
Will I ever learn Japanese, like, for real? With the amount of effort I am putting into it, why does it seems like I am not improving at all? French is so enjoyable and cool, but why am I still so bad at it?
I know the theory of it all. “Slow progress is still progress!”, “don’t compare yourself to others!”. As I said before, I do believe those things! A huge part of me keeps repeating those things and wants to just enjoy studying those languages I love so much.
I know I’m doing my best, but it does not feel enough. Everyone seems to be making progress so much faster than I am! Everyone seems so put together and so sure of the path they’re on – even with the occasional doubt.
I just wish I could go through language learning without feeling so… awful.
No, that’s not correct. I promise I don’t feel like this very often, but lately the feeling has been really strong. I am not saying this to get a pat in the back and comforting words. I’m trying to talk about the ugly part of… not language learning. It’s a ugly part of me that is beating itself up because I am not a sort of prodigy who… can do it with no struggles. I thought my brain was wired in a way that would help me throughout this process – I mean, I do have a good verbal memory AND language learning is my hyperfixation. So why am I struggling? This is not fair!
I can proudly say that I am not letting the feeling stop me. I’m doing my best to sit down and study even if that small voice in my head keeps telling me that it’s pointless. Small steps (which is what I can do anyway), and slowly I’m walking. But again, the feeling has been too strong and I have reached the conclusion I should not pretend it’s not there. It’s not healthy. I have to face that every now and then I will feel like I am not good enough.
Now, what should I do? I don’t wanna take a break from language learning. I might sit down and analyze all my weaknesses and do some research on ways to improve. I should also go back to therapy – it’s been over a month that I’ve been solely with an occupational therapist, which is not the help I need for my insecurities. Writing this is also a way to put my feelings into perspective to see what I am feeling and why I am feeling it.
I wanted to have a blog more informative and helpful, but why not make it personal and maybe, just maybe, relate to someone who’s also struggling to keep it cool? I do not have a conclusion that will make me (or you) more at ease, confident that it’s okay to not be a genius in this community, that it’s okay if you learn just a tiny beat every day.
I’m also trying to navigate my own negativity, and all I have to say is: keep going. Keep in mind the reasons why you started this journey in the first place, take deep breaths and surround yourself with positive people that assure you daily (you won’t have trouble finding them, I promise). But at the same time, feeling insecure (or straight up trash, lets be real) is also very normal, and you don’t have to feel bad for… feeling bad. just don’t let those feelings stop you.
It will be okay. I hope.
Sincerely, me.
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